Hello and welcome to the beginning of the end. Here I am again. Wavering. One day I feel like fudge-ing Audrey Hepburn and the next I feel like I’m the-person-the-cops-will-find-alone-and-dead-for-weeks-in-her-dorm-room. Or this may just be the hormones raging. Seriously, why aren’t there women philosophers who study their own menstrual cycles in order to understand the world better? Or should I be the pioneer in this field? So many crepe-y ideas and not a single one sticking for more than three seconds. And yes, I am trying my best not to swear.

The seven bullets of balance continues, although I realize I can’t always spend three hours formatting. Sorry for being a perfectionist. I also can’t work with a single mold for a long time, I am easily bored. So instead of throwing away this laptop and going to the Himalayan mountains (since I already have the right hair), I will try to keep myself amused and hopefully committed by innovation.

Read today’s readings about the first two apostles who asked Jesus where he lives and to whom he replies, “Come and see.” (I’m getting better at this. Baby steps.)

Family is okay. I hate talking about money or the lack of it, though. And I’m not even doing that here. (Now it’s in my head again. Goodness!)

Friends still no contact. I meant that I still hate them. I don’t know if I can go back home and not spit on everyone’s face. But at least now I’m not plotting revenge. Things like this take time, so I’m being patient with myself; and I hope that you don’t have the wrong first impression of me being a grumpy, miserable person which I am sounding to be right now. I wish things were different back then; I wish we had money to get diagnosis. I wish I didn’t try too hard to fit in so that they would see something wrong with me. This is bargaining, I know, and it’s a glitch. Because. It. Will. Not. Change. Anything. Dame it!

School. Nothing new. Went to Dean’s to get long overdue final academic progress report, she was out. I hope my kind sponsors take grief as a valid reason. Seriously, I feel like the old me has really died. Like, really died. There is no turning back because this knowledge made a gap the size of ANOTHER LIFETIME. Yes, I’ll probably get over this and be Ms. Optimism again in a few days and I’ll have a lot of witty aphorisms to share when I get back (and execute my… oohoohoo…), but for now please let me be. I’ll be a hater for now. It won’t last the whole year, I hope.

World. I could not care less today. Especially with this very warm weather. Did I mention that I come from a country where even one layer of clothing is sometimes too hot?? Where in the world am I right now, the North Pole? No wonder why nobody believes in Santa Claus anymore. This is just too painful, yes physically painful! I didn’t know that if it was too cold it would hurt the skin, kind of like a burning sensation. And that’s my surprise/unknown thing too.

New things. Jeremy Gilbert should have been the first victim of the bad vampires. Seriously. Even Damon Salvatore’s oozing pheromones (yes, today is all about hormones) couldn’t save his lame acting. And I just realized that they all looked waaaay too old for high school. Like, seriously. And I’m talking like Caroline now. Urgh, Vampire Diaries. I should read the series for enlightenment once I get home. Not now. I hate everything too much.

Yep. Even Howie Day’s Collide can’t move me today. Every morning when I open my eyes I try to convince myself that that day will be the start of a better future. And most of those days it doesn’t happen that way. I’ve never been so far from the best until now. I’ve got nothing more to lose. 2011 has taken it all away. Facing the new year… empty.

PS. Empty is the opposite of full, right? Perhaps a chance to flip the coin?

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