I won something + New blog (with my own domain!)

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Check out my music and poetry at pia besmonte. Thanks and see you there!

PS. I won something! Unexpected things make me sooo happy! Chek out The Ranting Chef!

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Can I keep this up?

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Hello and welcome to the beginning of the end. Here I am again. Wavering. One day I feel like fudge-ing Audrey Hepburn and the next I feel like I’m the-person-the-cops-will-find-alone-and-dead-for-weeks-in-her-dorm-room. Or this may just be the hormones raging. Seriously, why aren’t there women philosophers who study their own menstrual cycles in order to understand the world better? Or should I be the pioneer in this field? So many crepe-y ideas and not a single one sticking for more than three seconds. And yes, I am trying my best not to swear.

The seven bullets of balance continues, although I realize I can’t always spend three hours formatting. Sorry for being a perfectionist. I also can’t work with a single mold for a long time, I am easily bored. So instead of throwing away this laptop and going to the Himalayan mountains (since I already have the right hair), I will try to keep myself amused and hopefully committed by innovation.

Read today’s readings about the first two apostles who asked Jesus where he lives and to whom he replies, “Come and see.” (I’m getting better at this. Baby steps.)

Family is okay. I hate talking about money or the lack of it, though. And I’m not even doing that here. (Now it’s in my head again. Goodness!)

Friends still no contact. I meant that I still hate them. I don’t know if I can go back home and not spit on everyone’s face. But at least now I’m not plotting revenge. Things like this take time, so I’m being patient with myself; and I hope that you don’t have the wrong first impression of me being a grumpy, miserable person which I am sounding to be right now. I wish things were different back then; I wish we had money to get diagnosis. I wish I didn’t try too hard to fit in so that they would see something wrong with me. This is bargaining, I know, and it’s a glitch. Because. It. Will. Not. Change. Anything. Dame it!

School. Nothing new. Went to Dean’s to get long overdue final academic progress report, she was out. I hope my kind sponsors take grief as a valid reason. Seriously, I feel like the old me has really died. Like, really died. There is no turning back because this knowledge made a gap the size of ANOTHER LIFETIME. Yes, I’ll probably get over this and be Ms. Optimism again in a few days and I’ll have a lot of witty aphorisms to share when I get back (and execute my… oohoohoo…), but for now please let me be. I’ll be a hater for now. It won’t last the whole year, I hope.

World. I could not care less today. Especially with this very warm weather. Did I mention that I come from a country where even one layer of clothing is sometimes too hot?? Where in the world am I right now, the North Pole? No wonder why nobody believes in Santa Claus anymore. This is just too painful, yes physically painful! I didn’t know that if it was too cold it would hurt the skin, kind of like a burning sensation. And that’s my surprise/unknown thing too.

New things. Jeremy Gilbert should have been the first victim of the bad vampires. Seriously. Even Damon Salvatore’s oozing pheromones (yes, today is all about hormones) couldn’t save his lame acting. And I just realized that they all looked waaaay too old for high school. Like, seriously. And I’m talking like Caroline now. Urgh, Vampire Diaries. I should read the series for enlightenment once I get home. Not now. I hate everything too much.

Yep. Even Howie Day’s Collide can’t move me today. Every morning when I open my eyes I try to convince myself that that day will be the start of a better future. And most of those days it doesn’t happen that way. I’ve never been so far from the best until now. I’ve got nothing more to lose. 2011 has taken it all away. Facing the new year… empty.

PS. Empty is the opposite of full, right? Perhaps a chance to flip the coin?

Asking Mirrors

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Whenever I feel like my world is crumbling down around me, my period usually starts a few days after. (First quotable quote of the year.) Today was not very eventful; I woke up with a crime scene on my bed (no need to justify–if you’re a girl you get the point, if you’re a guy you’re better off not knowing). So the conquer NYC plan has been postponed once again. Rats. Still, if the body cannot move the mind still can, and I read Sophie’s World for the second day (it’s 340 pages, and I stop and re-read interesting parts, so). This is my daily update:

  •      Faith
I read His word today. I try to do it everyday, as soon as I wake up. I still have problems concentrating so it’s difficult to meditate especially when I’m still drowsy, but I try. I am writing this hours after I read the Bible and can’t remember what I’ve read, but for the following days I’ll keep it my head longer. I hope this helps my memory a little bit. Two pigs with one bird. 😉
  •      Family
Talked to my sisters on Skype a few minutes ago. I love them and I am proud that they are proud of me, but sometimes I think that they don’t really understand me. They seem to be in denial more I am, and I am actually acknowledging this learning disability that I am being diagnosed with so that I can conquer it and use it for the good of others–something they find hard to understand. Sometimes I feel guilty that I cannot say these things to them, but it has always been this way for me. I find writing better because there are no quick comebacks, no discouraging comments that are from good intentions but are offensive all the same. I know that when they read this they will feel bad that I haven’t told them in person, and miss the message again that they don’t know how to listen to me. *sigh* More work to do on this area.
  •      Friends/Others
For the past few weeks I think I went through the “galit sa mundo” (hating the world) phase. ADD/ADHD, more than a learning disability, was a like a punch in the gut for me. I have been having constant vivid flashbacks these past few, especially during those times that other people weren’t so nice to me. From my mind’s eye I had a troubled childhood, having too many siblings before me and being too different from everybody else. I didn’t even know that I was harboring so much hurt and trauma from my childhood.
So I deactivated my Facebook and left all my previous contacts, composing mostly of classmates and childhood friends. I just couldn’t stand the thought that they were still in my system after all those years. I just had to get out. (Coincidentally, Augustana’s Boston is playing from Pandora. Teehee.) I know I have to let these things go. I will. In my own time. And with His help.

Exactly.

  •      School
This is going to be the last semester for my exchange studies here in the US. I’ve learned so much last fall, and I am really excited about this one. I know better, and I am looking forward to a more balanced study life now that I have this list.
  •      New things
Social media is a new thing for me right now. I mean, my mother would always say that we shouldn’t figuratively hang our laundry to dry where everybody sees it (a rough translation which doesn’t make a lot of sense, unless the laundry is composed of intimates), so the notion of posting constantly about my life is kind of radical coming from my upbringing. However, I am turning two scores in a few months and I am not getting any younger. I am a perfectionist is the sense that I don’t want people to do my biography wrong. My version may not always be closest to the truth according to society, but I am not a liar–I am a fictionist. So yes to social media, to starting my legacy at an early age.
  •      World/Events
This aspect also needs a lot of attention; I’ve been too focused on my pain that I have almost snubbed the recent storms and floods that took the lives of hundreds Filipinos. I recently discovered TED and PhilosophersNotes, and I am trying to get more wisdom from successful people before me so that I can make something good out of what I have and don’t have. More on this later, and please email me if you also have other suggestions.
  •      Surprise/Unknown

I didn’t know that I can be very hungry. This might sound lame for my first unknown entry but if you knew my past self you would understand. You see, I would always put food last on my daily list, and sometimes it’s not there at all because  the list is only a word: school. That sucks, I now realize, because nobody will take care of me the way only I can. And I have neglected me ever since I can remember. And everything is going to change this year. I will start by feeding myself well.

This will be a big shock for a lot of people. Sometimes even I feel overwhelmed by the changes in my life (that sounded like a song). However, I can’t go back to the me before the 8th of December, 2011. The strangeness has been named; and now it’s up to me to tame it. Life starts here.

Amen to that.

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