I won something + New blog (with my own domain!)

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Check out my music and poetry at pia besmonte. Thanks and see you there!

PS. I won something! Unexpected things make me sooo happy! Chek out The Ranting Chef!

Can I keep this up?

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Hello and welcome to the beginning of the end. Here I am again. Wavering. One day I feel like fudge-ing Audrey Hepburn and the next I feel like I’m the-person-the-cops-will-find-alone-and-dead-for-weeks-in-her-dorm-room. Or this may just be the hormones raging. Seriously, why aren’t there women philosophers who study their own menstrual cycles in order to understand the world better? Or should I be the pioneer in this field? So many crepe-y ideas and not a single one sticking for more than three seconds. And yes, I am trying my best not to swear.

The seven bullets of balance continues, although I realize I can’t always spend three hours formatting. Sorry for being a perfectionist. I also can’t work with a single mold for a long time, I am easily bored. So instead of throwing away this laptop and going to the Himalayan mountains (since I already have the right hair), I will try to keep myself amused and hopefully committed by innovation.

Read today’s readings about the first two apostles who asked Jesus where he lives and to whom he replies, “Come and see.” (I’m getting better at this. Baby steps.)

Family is okay. I hate talking about money or the lack of it, though. And I’m not even doing that here. (Now it’s in my head again. Goodness!)

Friends still no contact. I meant that I still hate them. I don’t know if I can go back home and not spit on everyone’s face. But at least now I’m not plotting revenge. Things like this take time, so I’m being patient with myself; and I hope that you don’t have the wrong first impression of me being a grumpy, miserable person which I am sounding to be right now. I wish things were different back then; I wish we had money to get diagnosis. I wish I didn’t try too hard to fit in so that they would see something wrong with me. This is bargaining, I know, and it’s a glitch. Because. It. Will. Not. Change. Anything. Dame it!

School. Nothing new. Went to Dean’s to get long overdue final academic progress report, she was out. I hope my kind sponsors take grief as a valid reason. Seriously, I feel like the old me has really died. Like, really died. There is no turning back because this knowledge made a gap the size of ANOTHER LIFETIME. Yes, I’ll probably get over this and be Ms. Optimism again in a few days and I’ll have a lot of witty aphorisms to share when I get back (and execute my… oohoohoo…), but for now please let me be. I’ll be a hater for now. It won’t last the whole year, I hope.

World. I could not care less today. Especially with this very warm weather. Did I mention that I come from a country where even one layer of clothing is sometimes too hot?? Where in the world am I right now, the North Pole? No wonder why nobody believes in Santa Claus anymore. This is just too painful, yes physically painful! I didn’t know that if it was too cold it would hurt the skin, kind of like a burning sensation. And that’s my surprise/unknown thing too.

New things. Jeremy Gilbert should have been the first victim of the bad vampires. Seriously. Even Damon Salvatore’s oozing pheromones (yes, today is all about hormones) couldn’t save his lame acting. And I just realized that they all looked waaaay too old for high school. Like, seriously. And I’m talking like Caroline now. Urgh, Vampire Diaries. I should read the series for enlightenment once I get home. Not now. I hate everything too much.

Yep. Even Howie Day’s Collide can’t move me today. Every morning when I open my eyes I try to convince myself that that day will be the start of a better future. And most of those days it doesn’t happen that way. I’ve never been so far from the best until now. I’ve got nothing more to lose. 2011 has taken it all away. Facing the new year… empty.

PS. Empty is the opposite of full, right? Perhaps a chance to flip the coin?

The Daily Seven Starts

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2011 left me with a few wounds and a lot of life lessons; 2012 welcomed me with an idea that I want to carry out for the rest of the year, maybe even more if it goes well. I was born on the seventh month of the year (yes, like the Boy Who Was Responsible For My Myopia); seven is my favorite number; and this number comes up again and again in my life. I’m not Beyonce, but I can tell if the universe is trying to tell me something, even if the number itself doesn’t mean anything on its own.

So here I am, waiting for what kind of ADD/ADHD learning disability I have and planning for the next fortnight before my last semester here in the US, scratching my week-old, newly shaved head thinking about how to concretize this wonderful idea of mine. So I erased all my previous social media accounts and created new ones, the ones from where my legacy will begin (sometimes even I don’t believe I’m just 19), and created seven new ones: Google+, YouTube, WordPress, Twitter, Facebook, Yahoo! and Apple (soon!). The old ones were like the biblical wine bags for me–their histories make me feel safe and safe is not the best platform for creativity.

This blog will be about seven life aspects that I will nurture every single day (in no particular order):

  •      Faith
  •      Family
  •      Friends/Others
  •      School
  •      New things
  •      World/Events
  •      Surprise/Unknown

In fifteen out of nineteen years, school was the only thing that mattered for me; level = Asian. Now that I am being diagnosed of a learning disability I actually felt as if everything has been taken away from me, and I started to realize how unbalanced my life was. I wasn’t a good daughter but my family accepted me and loved me and bugged me on my mobile phone and Skype; I had no friends and I had to ask my dorm’s guard to take my Halloween costume picture for me, a relative by marriage was the only one who sent me a card through the loneliest mailbox ever (picture later). I had nothing else; I left all my other dreams for something that I actually did wrong from the very beginning. (Sorry, residues of resentment; but it’s all better now trust me.)

Now I have absolutely nothing. But I realized that while I’m still breathing I can’t lose everything at once, because THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING I CAN GIVE. In my brokenness I didn’t see myself, but I found a way to first forgive and make peace with my past, and more importantly to help other people through telling my story. Because I finally have a story to tell.

I will be honest and tell you that I am not in my best shape. I have acne all over (from oversleeping and chocolates; define depression), I don’t have hair anymore, I suddenly disliked all the people from my past (including my family a little bit, but as I said I am making peace…slowly…); but I gotta start somewhere. And honestly I’ll never be perfect. Or ready. So might as well carry on with it.

I don’t have the right to ask anyone to read or follow this blog, but if you get something from this I would like to ask you to let me know. Otherwise I’ll get bored soon and this idea will be another one of those hanging in midair somewhere we don’t know. Email me. Thanks. Happy new year, and may life be kind to you.

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